It was worthwhile for web designer Ira to come with her boyfriend and take the path of a serious relationship, as a new colleague knocked her ground from under her feet with her one appearance in the office. His voice, strong hands, the ability to sparkly joke about the Dow Jones index ... Ira, who usually missed and languished at work, suddenly came to life. Now the styling on her head always reigned, and the weekly meetings no longer caused attacks of misanthropy.
Suddenly, working time acquired a new meaning: it was created in order to walk together to the cooler, discuss how the chief accountant parked, and even somehow drink a bottle of wine at dinner. Yet one day, Ira was covered with a wave of guilt. Well, how can she think of another man if she loves her other half? "I have not yet said anything and have not done anything irreversible," Ira was justified, "but she already panicked, as if she had destroyed her family."
Easy flirting is considered a betrayal?To hang a label of a cunning traitor, a decent lady often suffices small - playful smiles, correspondence in ICQ, a joint dinner. And all because not always sex with a beloved man responds to us with such a heap of emotions, like banal "greetings" from a colleague whom one does not want to want. Dr. Helen Fisher, the author of How to Find True Love by Determining Your Personality Type, is convinced that what any loving woman feels is comparable to an earthquake-only in the brain.
Ten years ago, Fischer was amused by watching the activity of the brain of people who had just entered into a relationship, and discovered that at the very beginning the person feels literally in high state. Attraction to an inaccessible object, as fixed instruments, provokes a seismic shift in the bowels of the cranium: tons of dopamine, released by gray matter, turn the respectable citizens into prone to euphoria nymphomaniacs. "Being in love with a person you work with or regularly see, it's like being a sweet tooth and every morning you find a piece of chocolate cake in your plate," Fisher states.
Attraction to another as a symptomHowever, this piece, as often happens with cakes, is not nearly as beautiful as it seems. Of course, its appearance on your plate does not at all mean that you need to quickly post on Facebook the status: "Dear, I can not deceive you anymore" - but I still have to draw some conclusions. Mirsa Kirschenbaum, the author of the book "When respectable citizens change", I am sure that the hobby of a colleague, neighbor or fitness instructor is more correctly interpreted not as a symptom of a moral fall, but as a useful clue (of course, only if your hobby was not yet marked by sex) .
"Life gives you to understand: for complete satisfaction, something is missing," Mira reflects, probably based on the research of her colleagues from McGill University. They found that the women in the relationship, seen in the attraction to an outsider, were actually struggling to preserve the existing union. It sounds like an example of paradoxical female logic, but still, when next time you find yourself among the fans of the "wrong" male, do not rush to bury these feelings and pretend that this is not you at all. Psychologists have come up with a more exciting experience for you - to start self-diagnosis.
Analyzing loveIf you have already realized that you are in love, do not rush to rank yourself as a sinner, ask yourself the question: "Why now?" "Unauthorized attraction often arises when we try to isolate ourselves from some changes. Such feelings are signaled: we need to evaluate what is happening and start to deal with it, "says Mirsa Kirshenbaum. If you believe the world, it turns out that the love of Ira is not a mere coincidence.
This happened after she came to her boyfriend, and at a time when her dissatisfaction with her career reached its peak. Over the past year, Irina's relationship has gone from flamboyant, exciting, to ordinary, sluggish, and cohabitation - who would doubt! - has not added in them raisins. "I had nothing to expect either from work or from returning home," Ira laments. - Everything has become somehow dull, unbearable. " So, without understanding herself, she began to distance herself from her man, and one day, on a working noon, fell in love. Iry's companion on experiences, the massage therapist Svetlana, was carried away by the charismatic and energetic coach in Pilates literally a couple of months after the wedding.
"I was happy to get married, but at the same time I was terribly infuriated that I kind of put a personal signature under the agreement never to flirt again," she confessed. Sveta, like any victim of the stereotype of a housewife in a bikini dressing gown with a pan at the ready, seriously worried that her wife's status had stolen from her the opportunity to be sexy and flirtatious, that's why she got carried away by a man flirting with the duty of service with everyone. From him came sexual confidence - something that Sveta was afraid of losing.
If you believe the research, falling in love, women start to work 5% more efficiently.
To whom did you fall in love?If you have not forgotten that we are working closely on self-diagnosis, it's time to ask ourselves a second important question: "Why exactly?" Undoubtedly, the dentist, for the gentle hands of which you are once a week for preventive examination, is a pleasant person and a graduate . But why do you enter his office on his padded legs? The object of falling in love is often not the one with whom you want to sleep, but the one you want to be yourself, suggest psychologists. Here's your homework from them. The next time you are feverish at the sight of an unfamiliar man, try to make a list of qualities that you like in him (sense of humor, determination, ability to quote Kafka), and educate them in yourself.
Of course, in order to learn to toast freely, you have to overcome a bunch of complexes, but if you are attracted to a man - the soul of the company, this means one thing - it's your time to get out of the sink and often organize dinner parties. In the end, you will remain in the win: and from unnecessary emotions distracted, and concentrate on the really important - on a new, improved version of yourself. Of course, talking about this is much easier than doing an audit of skeletons in your own closet. However, sometimes, in order to understand the true state of things, little things are enough.
For Sveta, such a moment of truth was a piquant episode. One day she accidentally saw how the object of her enthusiasm self-absorbed in the nose. Happens to everyone, she told herself. But another seismic shift in her head has already occurred, and she realized that, in fact, the coach is absolutely no better than her husband. Yes, and, putting her hand on her heart, the only time she experienced a real excitement, when she herself ventured a risky conversation with the mentor. "I continued to flirt and get pleasure from it," Sveta boasts, "but the guilt and anxiety left, and from now on no trainer could do any harm to my relationship."
Future with a lover
The process of getting rid of attachment, which is somehow embarrassing to confess, will go much faster if you look at the situation in the future. Imagine your love in the form of an inverted pyramid, in which feelings for a new object, its qualities that make you sweat and worry, are concentrated in a tiny point from below. No matter how bad you are with spatial thinking, you should realize that the design is not very stable.
Think about it: you are attracted not by the object as a whole, but by its tiny fragment (sense of humor, volume of triceps, timbre of voice). But he, like every man, is full of flaws, which you just do not know yet (he chews with his mouth open, abuses smilies in business letters, lives with his mother and five cats). Well, can you really get carried away by a person who incorrectly puts stresses in words ?! But your relationship with your husband or boyfriend is a solid pyramid. Its foundation is that trillion of facts, details and the best masculine qualities in which you, I want to believe, more than once convinced.