In general, the idea is good. Solve the problem through mutual concessions and cooperation, listen to the opinions of the parties, find an option that will suit both parties to the conflict. In an ideal world full of perfect couples, all this should work fine. But in real it works badly. Because people often just think that they are compromising. Or they call a compromise what they do not at all.
Compromise or blackmail?Citizen Shch. Caused damage to the mother-in-law of citizen K., for this K. ordered order in the apartment of Sz. An inna student transferred the text about sulfuric acid, after which she received a cream with hyaluronic acid from the student of chemistry and 200 rubles. The shoemaker gave the hipster an awl, and he in exchange made him a soap (with chocolate chips).
I allow you to go with friends to the bathhouse, and you buy me a jacuzzi. I'm walking with a dog at six in the morning, you walk me in the mall at six in the evening. I make you a blowjob, you give me compliments.
This is all, of course, a relationship. Commodity, money, business, maybe even partnership, but hardly personal. Compromise is often confused with the deal. And then they are surprised that the scheme did not work, that the second "signatory" party left responsibility, and then left altogether. Or do not be surprised, but just notice once that the conditions are multiplying, like articles in the American constitution, but of normal communication, the desire to do something on their own, and that there, just for love, is getting smaller. Because initially the message was wrong. Compromise suggests that you listen to each other, try to understand, and, if something is put forward, then proposals, and not conditions, and especially not ultimatums.
By the way, blackmail and manipulation are also often masked as a compromise. Man seems to be making a concession for the sake of another, but in fact - more for himself. To then have the opportunity at the right time to "remember": they say, how, on March 8, I vacuumed here as undermined, and you want the 9th I took the child to the garden? No, really. Once I heard a gentleman yelling at his lady in the supermarket, in the department with postcards: "I'm not forbidding you to hug with other girls, but why are you forbidding me?"
I've always been struck by this. Often enamored on the doorstep of the registry office act sharply against marriage contracts ("We have the same love as it can be painted on points!"), And then daily practice barter, home blackmail, change oral caresses to affectionate words ... And call it compromises.
If you are one for allIn every collective there is such a unit. It is the unit: it is one for all, indispensable, fulfilling 99% of the work. Without it, the sky will certainly fall into the Danube, and sales will fall all the more. And how does she single-handedly deal with the work of the whole department / concern / state? The riddle. However, the answer is simple: she either lies or is lonely simply because she does not see anyone around. (By the way, a secret, the sky without it will not fall anywhere - it will only become lighter.)
In love, too, this happens. One person starts to think that he works for two - over the relationship, of course. It is he who always sacrifices himself, transcends himself and suffers, suffers, suffers. He is preparing breakfast, washing cups, packing gifts in paper with acid hares, and buying elite alcohol in duty-free. He writes a shopping list and immediately, in his head, makes another list - his concessions. And he, too, believes that he lives by the rules of compromise - it's just that he always goes to it, and the other only uses the fruits of his efforts.
At the same time for suffering, he does not notice simple things. While he was frying scrambled eggs, his beloved person ordered them vacation tickets. While he was wandering among bottles with tequila, he was bought a bottle of perfume in another department. And he, by the way, washes the dishes himself, and with the help of a dishwasher, which he (well, she!) Was given on March 8. In a strange eye we see the mote, do not notice in our logs? More often it is the other way around. We raise the mote from the floor and do not see that someone is unceasingly dragging logs.
We value our own efforts, attempts to find a compromise, make life better, but we take the efforts of another person for granted. Of course, it also happens in another way: in some pairs, one actually lives at the expense of another. But before deciding that this is your case with him, it is worthwhile to look at the situation objectively. Does not the log stick out? Are you sacrificing yourself exactly? Or maybe the distribution of responsibilities in the family - is the most wise and correct compromise you have reached without noticing it yourself?
By the way, one more thing: people are unequal. Such an injustice. Someone earns more, someone has a fantastic metabolism, allowing at midnight to snack "Pinocchio" Napoleon, and someone takes four octaves. Also in the world there are people who, in principle, it is easier to compromise. They are quite flexible, they have many interests, often interchangeable, they just like to make others happy. And it's okay if you are like that. Do not show this ability as a sheriff's badge. Rejoice that you have such an easy temper. And stop counting how many good deeds you did during the past autumn-winter period.
When a Compromise Is ImpossibleAnd there are couples who are useless to compromise. They have nothing to help, forgive my optimism. Often I hear: he likes backpacks and kayaks, and I am a beach and a buffet, and we are looking for a compromise. Which one? To feed mosquitoes from a buffet? Or: I listen to English rock and American blues, and he is Stas Mikhailov, and we are striving for a compromise. Well I do not know. Say, the blues, and Stas - it's sad. But still in different senses.
Often enamored at the doorstep of the registry office are strongly against marriage contracts, and then daily practice household barter.
No, if you are ready to discover the fogs and smells of the taiga, and he basically does not mind hearing the surf and dive while you're sunbathing - a compromise is possible. Sometimes, in an attempt to find a common solution, couples acquire a common hobby: they went with him to the mountains, you see, she became an avid snowboarder, and he reads your favorite Akunin and forgot about the existence of books about goblins. Compromise often benefits both, contributes to the development and growth of everyone. But if he is sure that only Stas Mikhailov is better than Grigory Leps ... You will either have to seek a compromise with yourself, or other relationships.
Compromise is like an orgasm. It is difficult to achieve without effort on both sides, without the knowledge of the partner and the desire to understand what he needs. And yes, without love, it also does not get. But you can imitate. Until you get bored.