"As soon as the door closed behind him, I slid to the floor and spent several hours in unconsciousness," Irina recalls (28 years old). - Earlier, listening to the stories of my friends about parting with men, I just grinned - it would be why I grieve! And when this happened to me, the earth left under my feet ... I was thrown into the heat, then into the cold, my head filled with metal, in the throat I got stuck with a hideous com - and tears, tears, tears. In some fog, I spent a few days, then he was replaced by apathy. Under the pretext of pneumonia, I did not go to work for about a month, did not answer phone calls, did not eat anything, and refused to live at all. "
Heroes of such stories - more or less dramatic - once in a lifetime many became. And those who survived the collapse of relations, well aware that the crown recipe for romantic comedies for such cases - a double portion of pizza - in real life does not work. The loss of a loved one (or someone who successfully played his role) is a really difficult test for the body, fraught with exacerbation of chronic diseases, depression and the collapse of self-esteem. Do not wait until all these horrors happen to you - take universal sorrow and your own body under control.
Parting: the reaction of the bodySince the idea that Yakin left for Gagra is not optimistic, in the first days after parting the brain is strongly irritated. The unpleasant emotions you experience, he draws into signals and promptly sends these "letters of misfortune" to all organs that only he remembers. The content of correspondence in human language can be translated as follows: "My hostess was abandoned, therefore, please, express solidarity in the form of physical pain." Having received this order, the body begins to work in emergency mode, and the hormonal background undergoes significant changes. The last point Lucy Brown, a professor of neuroscience at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, views as almost the main source of health problems for girls with a broken heart. When we are in love, for our spiritual comfort, dopamine and oxytocin are responsible - hormones that provide a joyful gleam in the eyes and a happy smile. But as soon as the object of love is removed in an unknown direction, their level decreases, the body experiences an acute shortage of habitual substances, in connection with which its interest in life melts before our eyes. The hormones of joy and happiness are replaced by hormones of sadness and melancholy: cortisol, epinephrine are the same, the level of which grows during any stress.
But here's the thing: when cortisol and epinephrine are produced on an exceptional basis (let's say, if you miraculously dodged the albatross flying on you), they are vital, because they provide you with the speed of reaction in a critical situation. But when they spill out daily and non-stop, it is a joke that depresses the body. So, the excess of cortisol leads to the fact that the brain sends too much blood to the muscles, because of what you can feel unpleasant sensations like squeezing in the chest or neck pain. The same hormone increases the risk of stroke, breaks through immunity, makes you vulnerable to viruses and infections. Of course, the scale of the disaster and the affected area depends on the individual characteristics of the organism, says Laura Miller, head of the women's mental health department at The Brigham Hospital in Boston. For example, those, someone with a sensitive stomach, in a state of stress, faces problems of indigestion or a complete lack of appetite. Asthmatics complain of the increased frequency of asthma, which is also triggered by the rampant hormones of stress. The circle of complaints is endless - up to the point thatespecially impressionable nature can experience a condition resembling heroin withdrawal . But the conclusion from all that has been said suggests itself: to leave the wounds of the souls open and for months to cherish their sorrow is strictly not recommended.
What to do next? 5 scenariosWhat does an average abandoned girl do before forgetting a bastard forever? Correctly, it implements one of five (or even several at once) scenarios, time-tested and girlfriends. We asked psychologists to comment on each of them to see if they needed you.
Do not hold back tearsScenario 1. Tears, and only
Striptease clubs can be ruined, but bitter tears are a cheaper and more popular way of expressing protest to a fateful villain. "After parting with Oleg, my eyes were always in a wet place," recalls Alyona (31). - Tears became something like a morning shower, without which the day was not considered to be held. And I sobbed not only over the joint photos - I remember crying when the staples were out of brackets. "
Natalia Tolstaya, a psychologist: "From the point of view of psychology, tears are nothing more than a way of adapting to the surrounding reality and its imperfection. So it is necessary to treat them as a natural process and, moreover, not to interfere with their attempts to break out. "
Karina Basharova, psychologist: "Try to mourn the real man, not the ideal phantom. Maximalize the object of mourning and remember not only good, but also how mercilessly he reproached you for the wrongly washed cup and extra pound. Then after about a month of abundant tears you will be able to internally say goodbye to this person and, perhaps, completely calm down. "
William H. Frey, biochemist: "Through tears from the body are derived formed during stress toxic substances - years of study of the nature of human crying have proved this with all evidence. Actually, that's why we feel a sense of lightness after hysteria - we simply get rid of toxins ".
Total: red eyes - not the highest fee for detoxification and the opportunity to start a new happy life. By the way, the tradition of mourning for anything - even a lean year, though successful defloration - is in many cultures, so take your hysteria as part of the world heritage.
Get into a bingeScenario 2. "Drinks are stronger, words are shorter"
Ladies over 18 have the full legal right to start a new life with an alcoholic extravaganza and a series of random connections. And many do not neglect this way to forget about personal failures.
Karina Basharova: "To pour grief on wine - this scenario looks attractive, it is praised repeatedly by folklore. However, its effectiveness is only an illusion. In parallel reality, where you plunge deeper with each new cocktail, there is no solution to the problem. If, without a couple of sips of red dry, well, well, you can not survive at all, try to at least surround yourself with the right people. Those who ask the waiter in time to bring the bill, will call a taxi and help put on warm socks before going to bed. In a word, safety and comfort are above all. "
Altogether: alcohol intoxication is not at all what you can do to please your body, which already can barely cope with the rampant hormones.
Find a new boyfriendScenario 3. Wedge wedge
"Automechanist, baker, milkman - whoever this dubious-looking citizen was, gliding over me with an oily look, I was ready to cling to his chest. After parting with Igor, I decided absolutely no matter what kind of a man he would be, just needed a living person, "Alla recalls (25 years).
Natalia Tolstaya: "Having such thoughts in my head is an alarming signal. Even if we discard the moral and ethical side of the question: they say, after all, your new lover is not a cure for mental trauma, but a living person with living feelings - it's worth thinking about your own psychological comfort, which you already have in short supply. After all, there is no guarantee that spontaneous relations with the first counter, in which you seek to get rid of problems, will not turn for you even more pain, suffering or disgust for yourself. "
Karina Basharova: "In fact, the outcome of a new love adventure largely depends on the mood with which you go on his quest. If you are motivated by a sincere desire to meet your soul or just a good interlocutor, there is a great chance that you will attract the right people and the recently experienced love drama will be relegated to the background. "
Total: to compensate for the sudden emergence of spiritual emptiness with new romantic relationships - an effective method, but only by 50%. The chances of finding true love are equal to the probability of getting involved in questionable relationships.
Take antidepressantsScenario 4. Chemistry lessons.
Kind girlfriends and TV commercials do their job - and sooner or later, pills, tinctures and lotions, designed to drain the flow of tears, appear in the house of the sufferer.
Natalia Tolstaya: "Getting used to pills, you lose the opportunity to regulate your condition yourself, which means you lose control. It turns out a vicious circle: you take antidepressants to regain your balance, and as a result you become even more uncontrollable. It is not easy to restore the natural mechanism of functioning of the psyche after such experiments on oneself. "
Total: to drink a dozen antidepressants, of course, easier than months to attend psycho-training in search of peace of mind. But even harmless valerian can not be taken uncontrollably - after all, it reduces the speed of reaction, and sluggish, non-initiative workers attract the increased interest of the authorities, and DPS employees do not bypass the braked drivers. Take these or other drugs can be only after examination and under the supervision of a specialist.
Resuscitate the pastScenario 5. Return the fugitive
"After parting with Artem, I thought only of one thing: you need to return it by any means. In the course went everything - from intrusive calls with pleas and expensive gifts to visiting witch shops, "- says Marina (27 years).
Natalia Tolstaya: "To the temptation to step on the rake already injured once the second time try to treat as the desire of the former smoker to drag on. By your attempts at all costs to return the past, you automatically cut yourself off into the future - and this is an endless vicious circle. "
Karina Basharova: "The desire to return the former is an excellent motivation for personal growth. If this is what prompts you to enroll in Hindi classes or look good every morning, then the ex-lover should be placed a monument. But in the desire to return the fugitive, try to concentrate on yourself, and not on the object of suffering-be what you would like to become in his eyes, prepare yourself for a better life-and it will surely come. Even if this particular man does not work. "
Total: by the way, Artem never returned to Marina: in a couple of weeks he enjoyed the company of a new girl. And Marina herself barely survived such humiliation: the depression in which she stayed for several years (!), Actually destroyed her career and did not leave a stone on the stone from self-esteem.
Ways to get out of depressionNo matter how bleak life may seem on the wreckage of the relationship, there is good news: coping with the consequences of unhappy love is quite real. So, Dr. Gary L. Malon, head of psychiatry at the Texas Medical Center Baylor All Saints, advises to learn to relax. Having removed physical tension, he is sure, you will have a beneficial effect on the state of your own psyche.
For a good purpose, the simplest methods are also good-trips to the spa, and more florid ones-for example, relaxation trainings where special techniques are taught. And Laura Miller, already familiar to us, believes that aerobic loads will come to the aid of the girls who survived the unsuccessful novel. During them, endorphins are produced - the one that improves the emotional state and dulls the pain by the principle of an analgesic . Professor of Psychology Gary Lewandowski recommends, as an alternative, to recall those wonderful hobbies that occupied you before meeting the culprit of the tragedy.
Returning to the simple joys of life like carving for metal, of course, will not replace sex, but it will help the brain normalize its work and stop sending out signals of evil through the body. If all hobbies, right up to watching TV, remind you of your joint past, get new ones. All that the heart rejoices, miraculously heals the body. Psychologist Karina Basharova advises in the period of "rehabilitation" with special attention to choose the environment - this is very important for maintaining the correct self-esteem. In order not to begin to consider yourself a complete loser and not go deep into finding your own shortcomings, it is useful to be among successful and self-confident people who at the right moment will find the right words of support for you or, sometimes more importantly, at least not nauseating nonsense.