Once we with the publisher Rita went to the dining room to taste delicious and healthy food. In a difficult moment for each woman, the choice of dishes Rita suddenly asked:
- Do you have many married friends?
- What? - I started and thought: "Carrots or broccoli, broccoli or carrots? ..
- Do you have many beautiful, intelligent and married friends? - Rita patiently repeated.
"Oh no," I shrugged. - It's difficult to find a decent man.
"But we found it somehow," the headmistress remarked reasonably.
"I happened to happen on the beach ..." I tried to justify myself and placed the carrot salad on the tray uncertainly.
"Write about successful and lonely people," Rita decided. "I do not understand why they can not find a couple so often." Understand this.
"Let's try to figure it out," - we decided with deputy head Natasha Tymonkina. They collected the editorial board and came up with an experiment. Let's take the four successful and attractive women, in our opinion, and let them talk to the psychologist, and then go to the evening of fast visits to the Hello Party club. Then ask the expert and the men from the club, which prevents the test subjects to build a serious relationship. We found the participants of the experiment with a hilarious ease. But, as you know, they all refused to give their photos and asked to change their names.
Marina: loneliness by inheritance?31, project manager in Internet corporation
History: Marina grew up under the yoke of powerful mother and grandmother. She always looked for love with a beautiful, intelligent and kind, but with an enviable constancy found men of a difficult fate. The first boyfriend, realizing that he liked the potential mother-in-law much more than his beloved, began to terrorize the latter. When it came to assault, the couple broke up.
The second man pretty soon exchanged love for affection for heroin. 5 years Marina tried to cure the partner of addiction, but could not. Break with him, she celebrated in the clinic of neuroses. The last character that Marina met on the dating site, managed to stay in prison for illegal possession of drugs. And, of course, the relationship with him all 4 years passed under the slogan "Scandals, intrigues, investigations!".
Quotation: "I believe in love, although I have never experienced really deep feelings. I think my relationship was lengthy because men are hunters. They do not let go a woman they could not win. And I was always afraid to be alone.
I agreed to participate in the project, because I thought that my example might help someone to understand themselves. And I want to say: you can not break yourself for a man, because your character will still come out. You need to pay more attention to yourself and not fight your head against the wall, if the relationship does not add up - then this is for the best. "
"Marina gives the impression of a strong-willed, confident person. In her unhealthy relationships, she was responsible for two, because she was stronger than partners. And it remains only to be glad that I did not have time to "get infected". Marina grew up in an incomplete family, in an atmosphere of high criticality.
From the conversation it became clear that my mother and grandmother did not accept her boyfriends (not including the first). And here you can think about the scenario of loneliness in the women's line, involuntary hostage of which could become Marina (her mother did not arrange a personal life after the rapid collapse of the divorce). Do not forget about the important pattern (the sequence of actions and events) of the choice of "wrong" partners. Perhaps, absorbed from childhood criticality unconsciously throws Marina to men worse than her.
It seems to save them, demonstrating to their inner critics, which is really good. Or unconsciously punishes himself with a heavy relationship, as if he does not deserve better. It is difficult to say something for sure without attentive psychotherapeutic work. But the fact is clear: the choice of such partners, rather leads to self-destruction, rather than to the possibility of building a full-fledged relationship. "
Dasha: self-sufficiency in everything?27 years, the leading lawyer of a consulting company
History: Dasha perfectly communicates with family and friends. And does not consider the relationship as an end in itself. She is ready to put up with the partner's shortcomings, but the problem is that it's difficult to approach her. As soon as a new acquaintance makes a mistake, Dasha easily interrupts communication.
"I just think, why should I waste time, if, for example, he parked like a boor? She explains. "People do not change." The last boyfriend Dasha liked to spend his leisure classically: on the couch, with a bottle of beer, under the bubble of the TV. This was his fatal mistake. For a while Dasha honestly endured, but in the end the couple broke up.
Quote: "I hold a prestigious position, independent and self-sufficient. I philosophically relate to the fact that I live alone. The status of a busy woman does not appeal to me. I believe that it is necessary to give birth to a beautiful, intelligent and talented child from a loved one. But someone is given to find the ideal partner, but someone is not given. If I can not do it, then so be it. I agreed to an experiment: why not? All I could lose is the evening after washing dishes. "
"Dasha has a mature position - any man she does not need. She is smart, she does not have a deficit in support of her relatives. Dasha admits his demand for people. At the end of the conversation, she shared that she was very afraid of doing wrong. Dasha does not know how to live with the feeling that you are not good, painful perceives criticism.
The origins of such perfectionism, as a rule, lie in childhood. Let's not guess, but it seems that exactingness to others for her is a way to avoid mistakes, the opportunity to behave appropriately. Perfectionism is a dangerous business. At some point, the concrete components of the "proper" may lose meaning and turn into pure abstractions. Needless to say, all this is a direct road to serious neurosis. "
Lena: personal space or relationships?28 years old, business observer
History: Lena would like to have a baby, so the status of a free woman strains her. "I do not demand so much from a candidate for my heart! She says. - He should be an attractive burned cynic with a sense of humor. It is desirable, smarter than me and more educated. And that I was interested with him. " Either cynics are not enough, or clever, but Lena's last serious relationship was still at the institute.
They lasted with varying success for several years, and all this time Lena understood that she would not live with her boyfriend for a long time. Simply, he was too much like her first and, perhaps, the only great love. Lena knows her problem. She was used to keeping men in the distance and nothing can be done about it.
Quote: "If I'm in love, it's easy to agree with me. But it's very difficult for me to love. I understand that you need to know a better person, and then the relationship is possible, but I can not cross myself. Maybe I'm too addicted to one thing. Lately I've been learning languages, traveling a lot, going to the theater.
All this is great, but I do not feel like I'm in a rut, from which I can not get out. On the other hand, I'm not sure, but do I need to sacrifice my personal space for the sake of abstract relations? Suddenly I'm so interested in them that I lose my "I"? And I agreed to participate in the project for the sake of simple curiosity. What if I understand something about myself? "
"The way Lena is able to analyze her situation, it is worth envying. She understands that she distances himself from men, and at the same time wants to be understood by them. But at a distance. Lena is scared to lose her "I" in a relationship. Or at a distance, or be absorbed - of course, the instinct of self-preservation chooses the first option.
Such attitudes we bring into adulthood from childhood, often from early childhood. Here, too, we can talk about existential experiences: the fear of death, the meaninglessness of existence. These experiences can be very strong, determining the lifestyle of a person. And then the path to change will inevitably go through psychotherapeutic work with them. "
Sveta: is it worth believing men?25 years old, organizer of concerts
History: Sveta is sure: men get acquainted with her only for the sake of sex. Her problem is that she always gets into a relationship, where she turns out to be "the third one is not superfluous". 4 years, she spent on a man who was lying so much that now she does not believe men. Despite the fact that all friends consider Sveta to be a very cheerful, communicative and attractive woman, she tries to keep distance with the representatives of the opposite sex. Just in case.
Quote: "Serious relationship is when you can call and say:" Hello, how are you? Will you come for me? "I never had such a thing, and I feel very lonely. I want something deeper than sex. But men only offer it. Sometimes I even think that it's not in them, but in me. I decided to participate in the experiment, because I liked the theme. Maybe it will give me something. "
"Patterns arise in our lives with our direct participation, and not issued by higher powers or fate. In fact, we are forming them ourselves due to the given life experience. Any pattern carries a way to avoid more severe experiences. Sveta told about the important for her relationship, which opened a lot of deception and subsequent pain.
It is after them that she subconsciously chooses "busy" partners who also want to go to the left. Perhaps this is her way of avoiding such pain again, because so often, burned in milk, we blow on the water. And maybe the roots and roots lie even deeper. But always it's worth to be attentive to the situations that are repeated from time to time ".
Impressions of men"What impression did our subjects make on you?" We asked this question to 5 participants in the evening of fast visits. Also have understood, that from men it is difficult to achieve the distinct answer. One says "like normal", the other says "nothing like that." And yet, it seems, most of them in the woman like openness. Yes, yes, but what did you think?
Arseniy, 32, businessman
I find it difficult to evaluate women with whom I talked for several minutes. I think, fast dates are created in order to understand whether there is chemistry or not. With your participants, I did not have chemistry exactly. Marina makes a good impression. But tell her that you can not tell a man "I live at work".
I do not know a person who would have liked this statement of the question at all. Dasha, I remember, is a lawyer. And it seemed to me that she was the only one interested in the conversation. Lena, in my opinion, is too clenched. Therefore, I do not want to continue to communicate. Maybe I just did not like her. Sveta is pretty, but I think she is still looking for herself. I like more serious women.
Oleg, 25 years old, marketer
"To be honest, I initially choose women in appearance. Just do not think that I come here in search of easy sex. Of all the participants, I liked Sveta. She is nice, has to communicate. And at the same time behaves slightly detached. I strained it. "
Vitaly, 24 years old builder
You ask whether it's easy to talk with women on fast dates. And I will answer you: "No". As a rule, the conversation is structured like this: hello, what is your name, what are you doing? And this is unbearably boring. Rarely does anyone move away from the template. But I remember your participants. Marina for some reason confessed that she spent her whole life at work. So let there and build a relationship!
Dasha made a pleasant impression. She initiated communication, and I immediately improved my mood. Lena is not my type. But she is an interesting person, I would be happy to talk with her. I liked the light. She's cute, open-minded. I hope to meet her.
Alexander, 44, IT specialist
I spend a lot of time with computers, although I like women more. And I come here just to talk. Although I know the case when people met at a party of fast visits and then got married. Your Marina, I thought, was thinking about personal problems or about work. In general, I did not understand what she was doing here.
Dasha ... Honestly, I do not remember it at all. I would not have met Lena. She asked me what I was doing here at such an advanced age. Not that I was offended, but I realized that she was not interested. Sveta is sociable and pretty. I would see her a second time.
Elisha, 30 years, restaurant business
I think the main thing in a girl is femininity. Now it somehow goes out of fashion. If a woman caresses a man, then everything in their relationship will be good. Marina is good, but not my type. Both externally and in communication. There is a feeling that she sees herself as a leader in the pair, although I may be wrong. Dasha is very pretty. It seems to me, too fixated at work and slightly melancholic. Men like women that bring joy.
Lena, it seemed to me, keeps the men in the distance. Or just do not know how to communicate. Feels in her some arrogance. Although the girl is very pretty. Sveta is a real beauty. And, it seems to me that in it just femininity is.
Results: what is the cause of loneliness?"Each of the heroines has experiences about loneliness - and having an individual coloring, and associated with the pressure of society - says the psychologist, Gestalt therapist Anna Nazarova. "At the same time, they travel, develop, not fixate on a role that has not yet taken place, the role of the wife.
"On fast dates I was struck by the musical accompaniment" for cheerfulness ", - Lena shares. - Some nice man on the motive It's a raining man sang this text: "Peasant rain! Hallelujah! Rain from the peasants! Hey-hey! "I immediately realized - it will be fun"
All participants rationally approach life, they have everything "from the head". A vivid example is the phrase: "I decided not to fall in love". The emotional side is reliably protected from others and from themselves.
Each heroine has its own way of repeating from time to time in such a way that a full-fledged relationship does not develop. Infinite repetitions of behavior have a feature with age only ossify.
To change the situation, participants should carefully consider how they approach men, what needs - realized and unconscious - are realizing. How they get into the same situations and remain alone, although they sincerely want to do it differently. "