All my close relatives as lovely lived with their husbands for 20 years, I myself am firmly on the way, but my younger sister ... The decision to marry in her incomplete 23 years she took on her own. The protagonist also chose herself, according to one of the known criteria. Well, I filed papers for divorce without witnesses, which members of the family, including me, were informed by Carlson's tone, urging the Little One not to worry, it's something everyday: "Yes, divorce. Yes, I finally decided. "
|What Destroys Marriage And Relationships ?|
And apparently, the fact that it happened in a year and a half - a pathetic 18 months! - after we shouted to the newlyweds "Bitter!" And whispered criticism of the groom's aunt's hair, she did not bother at all. "I wanted / waited / hoped / counted on one thing, but everything turned out differently ..." - read the official version. And informal too. In other words, Aptekareva, the youngest, is disappointed. In a joint life with a man in general and the institution of marriage in particular.
If you believe psychologists , such a scenario - living under one roof for a year or two , breaking the relationship and "I'm disappointed" as the leading keynote - something like a trend for the current 20-25-year-olds. "Modern youth often part with reasons that can be called respectable ," says Diane Solle, ideologist and director of the College for Marriage and Family Matters. - "We do not talk much", "Sex does not bring the same joy," "We are not as close as we would like." This trend is nothing more than a reflection of the trends of modern culture, which dictates to us: everything that we do must certainly bring pleasure. "
Is economy a problem?Perhaps the most popular rake that discourages women from the desire to live with men is a soul in the soul - the manner I will give right after settling in one apartment to demonstrate the wonders of economy and altruism ("Yes, my beloved", "As you say, cat", "Of course, it's easy for me , expensive!"). So legends are born that to get up to the stove and build parfait with croutons after a hard working day, and then frolic all night on silk sheets - a trifling matter. That the habit of a loved one to sow their socks on the floor is touching. What is passionate about cheering for field hockey is normal. That money is not important. Well, and so on. As you know, a man (and a man, of course) is a lazy and not particularly curious creature.
If something good (and who, it turns out, does not like to eat regularly and walk in clean?) Is presented to him day in, day out, he is unlikely to analyze the script for realism. Well, woman washes floors twice an hour - and let her wash, maybe she has a hobby. And the girl in the meantime becomes a hostage to the improved version of herself and is penetrated by the deep meaning of the phrases "love broke about life" and "homicide on homework". When the whole day you cook, grill and serve, willy-nilly you begin to feel like a Gold Fish and slave Izaura in one person, whose best qualities are parasitized by the one who should actually be the support and support.
This feeling - that you do not appreciate and even exploit - acts on the relationship in much the same way as rust on the car. Ruined how much in vain. And there is only one way out: if the image of the person holding the whole house is attached to you, you need to sit down at the negotiating table as soon as possible and initiate the redistribution of duties. Yes, even at the expense of its own impeccable image! Between a girl with hurt lips and an obligation to take out the garbage, men are rumored to still choose the latter.
Open your eyes to shortcomingsA similar rule - not to take on extra - applies to the pots and pans that are free from pans and mops. To pretend to be a freer liberal and freethinker than you really are, is just as wrong as generally deceiving. More precisely, even more harmful.
|What Destroys Marriage And Relationships ?|
From January to May 2012 in Russia, registered 329.8 thousand marriages and 251.4 thousand divorces
When you "just meet", it's not hard to close your eyes to the fact that a young man, for example, earns little and irregularly earns. Or does not bother with the topic of adultery. Or a couple of times a week he drinks in the company of punk, a double of Lenin and a witness of Jehovah. Or calls the potential mother-in-law Havnila Davilovna. You are a little jarred, of course, but you have to restrain yourself - because you do not feel like passing through a tyrant without a sense of humor. And instead of: "Becoming his wife, I will learn to treat this his features calmly and benevolently" you say to yourself: "After the wedding, everything will change."
The situation is similar to that, as if you decided to take out a loan in the bank in the hope (in the hope, not guided by the economic situation, the experts' forecasts and the terms of the contract) that the interest rate in the coming months will decrease. Personally, I do not know of any such "optimistic" borrower. But the beginning wives, who believe that right after the registry office with their men, wonderful metamorphosis will begin to happen, - a dime a dozen. "Marriage or marriage does not guarantee that a person will want and will change for the better," says our expert Diana Sollet. "Moreover, no one can guarantee that even if it remains the same as in a wedding photo. Marriage is more about being flexible. And the only thing that is really required from the spouses is to adequately react to the changes taking place.
But even more clever option, it seems to me, is to inspect the applicant for husbands on the distant approaches to the registry office for hidden defects . Carefully disassemble them all, identify the most ineradicable, without turning away even from the most disgusting. Present, say, an unpleasant characteristic of cracking joints / lisping with a cat / screaming with a dream is not manifested from time to time, but every day. Why so thicken the paint? And to the fact that after the first months of cohabitation, when the veil of passion falls from the eyes, this shortcoming will enrage you a hundred times more than at the dawn of relations. Presented? Well, how, the hand instinctively jerked to the frying pan? So, it is not worthwhile yet to suggest to gather and try on the veil. Tighter both (and you, and the passport) will be.
Why does the passion in the marriage cool down?By the way, about passion. History knows a lot of examples, when the presence of good sex leveled such unpleasant side of life together as an unwashed cup or holes in the budget. But even with the intimacy of citizens who decide to live together or get married, too, sometimes things do not go well. Sexologists associate this phenomenon with the fact that many comrades naively believe that instincts will take their toll and begin to juggle, having sex. Yes, that's right: do it anyhow as well as after the sleeves. As soon as the couple's sexual life is established by the UFR (in the translation from the scientific to the human - the conditioned physiological rhythm), the sexual life acquires a predictable character . And this is normal.
It is abnormal that not only the quantity goes off (modest once a week against the boring three a day in the first month of acquaintance), but also the quality - when communication in the horizontal plane comes down to a two-minute fidgeting after the evening news. He does not bother to take a shower, turn off "Glukhar" and turn on the Argentine tango. It is packed in a flannel pajamas, in which even the sex bomb Sasha Gray could not feel sexually, and his offer: "Pampering you there?" Answers indifferent: "No, I do not." The value of such ascetic intimacy is appropriate. It is not surprising that over time, no participant in the process would like to start all this fuss for the sake of a banal sense of detente.
Even worse, when it does not come at all. And I'm now about women's orgasms. It's not for me to tell you that sometimes the problem is not even in the complexity / impossibility of getting it, but that it's just ... laziness. To be tuned to the right wave, to distract from itself distracting thoughts and images, to call the necessary ... Sexologists are convinced: you absolutely can not afford to be lazy in this way! Men are not just not interested in having sex with women who do not end up. Everything is much more dramatic. According to my psychologist friend, if only one side is satisfied regularly-the male side-the comrade subconsciously begins to perceive himself as a rapist (and not everyone is so close to such a role), and then the sex life risks completely losing control.
Ideal husbandIf we discard individuals who view joint living and marriage solely as a way to improve their financial situation, then the rare girl will not try to discern in the partner of the One, the One and the Destined Destiny. It is not customary to speak about it aloud, but deep down, most of us think that finding an unusual man automatically removes a lot of problems. "Halves", in theory, should not quarrel, but, on the contrary, must understand each other with a half-word and be day and night on the same wavelength.
It is not surprising that with this approach, any discrepancies ("How can you not go for a walk in the park / order a sushi / repaint a bedroom in a salmon?") Are perceived not as temporary difficulties, but as a symptom of the fact that everything was lost. The logic is simple: if he was that very Self, he would not contradict and bring to tears. And so, it turns out, you made a mistake with the choice and was not tied to Destiny, but simply to an outsider. And what, you ask, is the sense of clinging to non-ideal relations? Nothing. It's time to part!
The craving for perfectionism rarely leads anyone to good, family psychologists and lawyers for divorce proceedings warn. However, it is she who suffers most of the beginning wives and girlfriends of life. "It is necessary to realize that there are no ideal pairs," Diana explains, "as there are not absolutely 100% matching people." Pairs, where differences and disagreements are taken for granted, ultimately successfully overcome them. What can not be said about families, convinced that the main thing they have already done - found each other and agreed about the style of the wedding rings. The last citizens and are among the disappointed by marriage, because their ideas about how everything should be, prevent them from enjoying how everything is. "
3 rules of strong relations1. Accept as a fact that the partner is not perfect and has never been so.
Some problems simply do not have a solution, psychologists say cheerfully. Instead of fixing on the shortcomings, think about how to adapt and learn to live with what is annoying.
2. Spend more time with each other
"Today for a young couple a normal practice is to have a rest separately, have different circles of communication and interests. Which ultimately increases the likelihood of parting, - shares the observations of the MM. and family affairs specialist William Doherty. "Sometimes when you go to a club or a cafe where there is always a high probability of flirting with strangers and strangers, you do not just have a good time - you loosen the chair you are sitting on."
3. Surround yourself with happy couples
For the "epidemic" of procreation, weddings and divorces, it turns out that your social circle answers. The more around you are faithful and happy in the marriage or the relationship of couples, the less likely that you will abandon the once beloved and drive away to Bali. And vice versa: thoughts of parting can be contagious. If your friends now and then throw each other, soon you yourself begin to treat the very idea of parting more loyal.
Photo: SERGEY NIKOLAEV / BANG! BANG!